Thursday, June 30, 2011
The the Solemnity of Saints Peter and Paul
Yesterday at Church we were part of an impromptu conversation about Karl's possible Chrismation before his surgery. I had gathered earlier from Father that he was not of the mind that Karl should be received, wanting to be hopeful about Karl's operation and not fearful. Karl and I both resonated with this thinking at the time. Yesterday, though, we were met with Father Stephan offering Karl early reception into the Church. We spoke about it with him for a long time, arriving at a choice only after a lot of thought.
Karl resisted the idea of being Chrismated first because he did not want to leave his family behind, so to speak. We also had questions regarding the Church's view of Karl's marriage to me if he is received and we are not. These things were all solved. Karl will still very much be a part of our Baptisms later, and all of the marriage treacle seems unimportant (although you may find me inquiring about these nuances in the future). Father and Karl had arrived at the choice not to move ahead with it at one point. I felt strongly that Karl should be received.
It is not my decision, so it does not matter what I feel, but I was not alone in my feelings. In the end we did choose the move ahead with Karl's Chrismation. I pray to God that my part in it is without blame. I do not want to be someone who causes strain in any situation. My honesty was asked for and I feel I gave it.
I am so appreciative of the time we were given to speak with Father. I trust him implicitly. There is so much I want to know and understand. I hope he does not think badly of me for asking so much of him. I know Father does not know my heart, none of our new friends at Church do, but I hope that we will are deserving of the friendship they have freely extended to us.
I should not fear, but I am consumed by fear. I am afraid for Karl. I am afraid for myself. I am afraid for our children. I do not know how to escape it.