Thursday, June 30, 2011
I have many moments of awareness of how much my heart has changed in these few weeks. Sometimes I feel shy or a sense of blushing about it. Or it is just a feeling that says "Wow, how did this happen?"
I can't compare it to anything easily. The only real life experience I have that comes close is falling in love. I remember that before I met Karl, life was all right and generally pleasant. After I met him, nothing was whole without him. I could not imagine life before. I recall falling asleep with the phone against my ear, long having run out of things to say.
I am wary of using love as an example because I think someone might counter with something like love does not always last. What I am feeling does not seem fleeting to me. Also, our love has lasted and will always last.
In a conversation with a trusted Orthodox friend, the concept of turning from the Church was brought to my mind. In all of the ways my heart has changed this may be the greatest: I cannot imagine denying the Church or God. It seems as absurd as abandoning my children, even more absurd. Through gruesome descriptions of persecution, I cannot imagine it. I am not saying I know I could endure this pain or that. (Chances are I could not, for example during one of my labors I begged Karl to hit me over the head with something so I would not have to endure the pain.)There just is not a part of my heart that can ponder leaving God. My heart is turned toward God and it is inconceivable that anything could change it.
What happened to me? I am not asking because I am not pleased, but because it is amazing. When and how did it happen? How will this grow? I am so happy for my children, too, because this is a gift for them even more than for me.
When Father Stephan and I were speaking the other day about kairos and kronos, he told me that intention is everything in God's time. I asked, when does intention change, when you said the prayer over us on Pentecost? And he said no, that it was only an outward sign. Our intention changed within us, and we became of the Church.
I know this must be true because everything has changed.