Thursday, September 29, 2011

I need to take the time to pray for contentment with our current circumstances. We have so much to be thankful for, and we have all that we need.

Saturday, September 24, 2011


Tonight at Vespers I was fighting feelings of anger. These are completely unwarranted, but they persisted.

Why am I just now finding this relationship with God? Why not before? This is hard to reconcile with the Almighty God. My Godmother reminded me that this life is not everything. Suffering in this life has little importance. I know, and yet it is still hard to let go of the angry feelings I have, directed for the most part towards myself.

Friday, September 23, 2011

An Interesting Talk

I spoke to a friend, who will be Godfather to my oldest son, on the phone. It was a good conversation. The most interesting part ties into a feeling I have had for the past few weeks.

The feeling is: I have "grown up". I never knew what that meant or how I would know it. I was mostly not sure I even wanted to be involved. Now I am certain that at least an element of it, some inkling of it, has occurred. It's good.

I am consistently receptive to outside ideas in a way I have not been since I was 12 or so. I am capable of thinking outside of my current emotion. Effectively, this means I can see the point of view of another even when it conflicts with my own. Can I act upon the advice of another? Not yet tested.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

"Most people are like a shaving of wood which is curled round its central emptiness." -Saint Theophan the Recluse

Father brought this concept up last Sunday. It was expository for me in more than one way, although I don't claim to understand the Gospel that Father was talking about. I think the reading was from Mark chapter 8,

†“Whoever desires to come after Melet him deny himselfand take up his crossand follow Me35For whoever desires to save his life will lose itbut whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel’s will save it36 For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole worldand loses his own soul37Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul38 For whoever is ashamed of Me and My words in this adulterous and sinful generationof him the Son of Man also will be ashamed when He comes in the glory of His Father with the holy angels.”†

Being self absorbed is not necessarily thinking you're the best, or building yourself up. It is also thinking you're a failure, and obsessing over your own shortcomings. It is everything which is not extending your heart in love which reaches every direction. Denying your own will, and instead becoming busy with the work of love, as Father put it.

Openness to love, and to life. Right now we are in a waiting place. We can't move forward with our plan for this life until we deal with the mess we are in. As upsetting as this feels, it really should not concern us much. The real work of living, what we are really about, has nothing to do with our circumstances. And I know that I am like the shaving of wood, wrapped around my own empty ideas of what life is, who I should be, and my broken concept of love.
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...