Thursday, September 15, 2011

Once upon a time,

we came home from apple picking and Jocelyn was in labor.  Jocelyn is a Jersey cow that I raised from birth. She was a flower on the vine of all our work on the farm. She gave birth to a heifer calf while we watched, a beautiful day, and everything that followed was good. She is a perfect metaphor for our work in Missouri. Everything was showing promise, fruit. And then we left.

We left for many reasons, and it was sudden. I did not cry, once, until now.

It is not that I wish we had not left. I am glad we did and I know it was the right decision. I feel so much emotion about it now, and I don't know why.

This began when Tikhon fell ill. I started to think about our previous life for the first time. I found that my heart ached when I did. It must have been a nonsensical notion that if we had not moved the heart surgery would not have had to happen. It has grown into an angry sadness. Expressing it to Tikhon last night, I cried over our loss. I recalled how much I loved milking cows, how I would do it until I died if I could. How could we have left it? I felt like there was nothing for me if I couldn't milk cows, and specifically my cow, my sweet Jocelyn I raised from birth.

This is not really about a cow. I know that. It is about the fear I lived with in Missouri, which is why we left, and about that person who caused it. I harbor so much anger for him and I shouldn't. This is also about my first time leaving a life behind that I loved. I have moved about, but never from something I loved. I have to realize that it is okay to move from one thing to another.

Tikhon reminded me that the Church is something I didn't have there. In my anger and sadness, I had completely forgotten. He also told me how happy he is with our move, which means a lot to me. I know we are okay. It is strange to me that the tears are only coming know, what... 10 months later?

3 comments:

  1. Hi, Tabitha. Jennifer here from "Philothei of Salem" (http://philothei.blogspot.com). I'm the other member of your NaBloPoMo Orthodox Bloggers group. I'm so sorry for all the pain represented by this blog post. I, too, was once forced to radically change my life because of the actions of another, and I can imagine how heartbreaking it must have been to leave something and someplace that you loved behind. I don't know the details of Tikhon's heart surgery, but I lived with a father who had a heart condition for 15 years, and know the kind of sorrow that can accompany that, as well, the way it changes the lives of the patient and his or her whole family. I just wanted to offer some encouragement if I can. The fact that the tears have begun is a good sign, though painful now, because it means that you're finally fully processing everything that has happened to you. The delayed reaction is quite normal, actually; often, once people feel settled into their new circumstances, they finally feel safe enough to deal with everything that has happened. I'll be praying for you, and I hope my words have been helpful, rather than just meddlesome. In Christ, Jennifer

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  2. I know how things like this can take a while to process. Was just thinking of you and so glad you posted again. :)

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  3. Hello! I haven't been around in so long I didn't know how many changes you and your family have gone through.
    I'm more than ever encouraged by how strong woman you are. You are a great example to your children and to all of us readers.
    sending you much love
    xoxo

    (PS: I haven't read it all yet but I will)

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