Tuesday, November 29, 2011

The months since I became a catechumen have been very intense months. Even before the Church, this past year, year and a half has been more than just intense.. it has been the hardest time of my life.

There was a time when I used to think that nothing could ever happen to me that would be more difficult than a specific span of years in my childhood that I remember with horror. I remember believing that, even a few years ago. Now I know that is not true, because I am recovering from something greater than those old memories.

It is not what I might expect. I would think that being a catechumen and in the process of learning about God would have a grounding effect. And it has surely given us strength to survive our summer of trials. There is that. The fact remains, though, that I have never felt so unstable. The work of approaching the Church is extremely upsetting to my soul, mind, and heart.

I told Tikhon about this and he did not relate. He is at ease with it all. And now that I write this out I realise that it doesn't sound the same as it feels. It sounds as if I am not "at ease" with the teachings of the Church, or not ready to accept it. That is not the case at all, no no no.

It is more the opposite. I am at ease with the teachings. I do accept the Church. It is overwhelming to be myself there. To think of who I am in my entirety and hold that thought while standing in the presence of God.
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