Monday, November 14, 2011

New Feelings

Yesterday was such a beautiful day. My role as caretaker of our littlest was not easier than usual, but our weekends have been like this for a long time now and we are all used to the routine. Vigil the night before, homeward for sleep, and back in the morning to celebrate the Divine Liturgy.

I finally spoke to Father about my new feelings. I've been trying to write about this here but have not been able to put it into words.

 I am overwhelmed by feelings of fear and awe.

There was a time which anyone can read about in my journal where I felt more than ready. I felt urgency. I had read all of these books about Baptism and the Holy Mysteries and wondered why on Earth I was waiting. I still do, intellectually. I will not abandon my original position that I am in grave need of Baptism and reception into the Church. But as if in layers, something has overcome my feelings of readiness and I cannot shake it off.

I am not sure how to describe the slow and complex way things have changed. Once, I remained in the church for the Holy Anaphora. It was by accident, because Rome had gone in and I had to follow him to scoop him up, but then there I was kneeling down on the rug with Rome in the middle of something I could not disrupt by leaving. It might seem like nothing, but it was not nothing. It was the first time I felt this sense of fear I am trying to describe. I did not belong there.

I am not full of confidence that Baptism will make me worthy to receive these Mysteries. How can I go ahead with this thing of such importance, not feeling ready? Of course, I have some time. I have until Holy Saturday. It doesn't feel like enough. How could it ever be enough? Is there anything that can be done in any amount of time for the sorry state of my personhood?

All things are possible through Christ. Still, when the prayers are said in the Liturgy they are full of hope that God will not condemn us.

Grace shining forth from your lips like a beacon has enlightened the universe.
It has shown to the world the riches of poverty;
it has revealed to us the heights of humility.
Teaching us by your words, O Father John Chrysostom,
intercede before the Word, Christ our God, to save our souls!

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