Friday, June 22, 2012

I can't imagine

Earlier today we signed a piece of paper that lifted the first of two contingencies on this house purchase.  From now on, if this fails, we will not see the money we've put in again. It is at risk now, as our agent says.

It had to happen sometime.

I spoke to my Godmother and while we were talking I remembered that the last time I felt this was was not long ago. Remember Holy Week? We had prepared for more than a year. I had sewn the white gowns by hand. Then we were sick, and sicker. I was coughing red blood. My seven year old daughter didn't eat or drink for eight days and we rushed her to the ER. She lost 10 pounds. At the end of Holy Week, on the morning of Great and Holy Friday, I was completely lost. I felt that this plan, God's plan, was bad. I couldn't imagine what God was thinking. How could we prepare for so long and be abandoned by Him at the last moment? What terrible lesson did God have in store for us to cause so much suffering? I was despondent and bitter. I spoke to the small few I trusted on the phone and spitefully suggested we wait another year or two.

Then, in the afternoon of Holy Friday, when the time came for us to say the Creed and renounce Satan, we arrived at the church. I carried my baby girl in my arms and a white quilt. She couldn't lift her head.

We said the Creed, we spit westwardly.

And then it was as if a spell was lifted. Kassi stood up and was hungry. She didn't stop eating from then on. All was well. In the most amazing way, it was almost as if nothing had happened.

Almost. On the morning of Holy Saturday I was a new person. All expectations and designs of my own were lifted. The trial we had endured erased them. I had nothing, wanted nothing. We brought ourselves to be Baptised without anything but the marvellous present. I felt empty, singular, clean.

I could not imagine the things God had planned for us. I saw only darkness through my fragmented, darkened lenses. Great and Holy Saturday and Pascha were the most beautiful and Heavenly experiences of my life. I had no idea.

I am trying to hold onto that memory as we approach the close of this house deal, for better or worse. My mind wants to pin down God's plan. I think, what if we lose this house and money with it, how can that be God's plan for us? We have done everything right! We deserve better.

I am trying to remember that I can't imagine what good God has for us. It is beyond my understanding, and if losing this house is part of it, that is what will happen. If having this house is God's will, we will have it.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...