Thursday, July 5, 2012
Our two oldest children are in church camp this week. I drove them down, dropped them off and stayed a night to be sure all was well, and came home with just my two little boys.
Sometimes I have out-of-self moments where I look at what I am doing and see it with secular eyes. The worry was building for camp and I had one of these thoughts. We, who have never left our children with anyone, are abandoning them for a week with people from a church we recently gave our entire lives to at a moment's whim. From the outside this does not look 'good'.
From the inside it is perfect.
Yes, I chose this camp as safe because it is Orthodox. But that is not the only reason I am suddenly able to trust in the concept of leaving my children with other people. I have changed. I have a trusting relationship with the church and with life. I am worried about my kids, of course. It is my new-found belief in the profound goodness of God that overcomes the worry. All the hard things in my life are nothing compared to the good things God has given me. This is and will be true for my children, too. They are going to be okay. In the same way that last summer's crisis brought us unimaginable gifts, a little homesickness or sorrow at camp will be okay in time.
I find I do not care if outsiders think I am addled. It was not long ago that I would have thought something like that myself. Who could have imagined that I would be here, feeling these things?